4 - MY SCHIZOPHRENIC MOOD

The day before yesterday while getting home I found a few stalls on the street. It was earlier than usual - and I know, once at home, I'd eat something, I'll feel guilty, eventually agreeing (with myself) it is an early dinner and at 6:30pm I'll already have all I can afford to eat for the day - so I stopped at every single stall.

I'm not really in the mood for buying something but I really need time to pass.

Suddenly I see a wonderful pair of jeans: skinny, medium wash and low waist. Sadly they are size M. Last time I bought a pair of Terranova jeans it was a XL (32 I guess). I know they won't fit but I really like them and they are very cheep indeed.
In the end I decide to buy them, I have a friend that is way shorter but also a little smaller than I am, eventually I'll give them to her.
In the last few years my jeans size has been a 32, not a small one but not so big people would call me fat.

When I get home I pick the jeans from my purse and I cannot find the courage to try them on.
I go strait for the closet and I find the old Terranova jeans. They are XL, I remembered correctly.
For a moment I think to put the new pair in the garbage without even trying them on or to to hide them in a box in the closed, all but trying them on.

After three hours, bored as hell I made up my mind and I wore them. They fit. No, it's better, they fit perfectly. I plan to wear them the day after; I'm really excited.

I'm so happy I use the iPad to check the equivalent size: I need numbers to get things. Internet gives me many answer yet not the right one. It seems an M can be either a 28 or a 30, it depends on many factors.
I think I shall be ok with M instead of XL because I am at an impasse.

This is one of the good days.

And then, there are days like today.

I changed my clothing so many time I had no time to put them back in the closet, the jeans I wore the day before seemed just too small, I fell all swelled up, the image in the mirror sucked.

What happened?
Well, I've been good and I also resisted the apple pie a friend brought a few days ago. I'm sure of it, I have a diet diary I can go back and see all I ate for the last two months.
Whatever, this morning WTP told me I was 59 kg. 0.50 kg more than yesterday.

Panic washed over me.

I was in need of serious countermeasures. I took a strong laxative and I boiled a fennel (my lunch), I put the green the bag into the boiled water and I brought this concoction at work in a glass bottle.  

Then, just out of the blue, during the morning (I usually wake up at 6 and exit the house at 8) I had a splitting headache and terrible abdominal cramps.
I recollected myself, crap, I should have known it. I'm PMS. This is the reason the WTP balance screwed up my morning routine.

Eventually I decided to have breakfast, I was going to skip it and, instead of 2 teaspoon of oil, I decide to dress my boiled fennel with 2 teaspoon of home made pesto. I felt like celebrating.

Tragedy strikes back when I reach the closet.
I'm a monster. I'm a balloon, an hot-air balloon, a marquee, something huge they haven't invented yet.
I cry again.
I end up wearing a pair of loose black leggins and my favorite Hollister broad black long sleeves shirt paired with black cardigan and black flats. I wear a statement necklace so people at work won't figure it out I wore black because my mood was down. The good think about black is that it suites my dark mood but it is also a color I wear often so people are used to see me in "all black", smart casual and everything. 

The best thing is there are a few clothing that make me feel ok no matter what, they are just like comfort food without calories, just like my black Hollister shirt.