19 - THE BASTARD IS STILL HERE

I’m lacking words. If I was upset just two days (was it yesterday?) ago,  how should I feel/be today. The kg won’t go down. Today I brought my smoothie and I have one at home for dinner. I also bought a grapefruit for later. I know I shouldn’t cut carbs down while I’m joining the gym 5/7 and I have to take care of my nieces and the little one always asks me to pick her up (and I do pick her up) that’s 18 kg – give or take – and it is enough exercise after an hour in the swimming pool, still…..

I cannot see the reason I’m not losing that bastard kg. I really cannot increase the exercise, not all of a sudden (and with all the thing I have to do) so I shall reduce the amount of food. I see no other solution. I sincerely don’t think I gained muscle in less than two weeks. There is still a lot of fat on my tights and I cannot rely on my mirror, nor I can rely on my trousers, they all seem the same to me (and they are far from being baggy).

Desperation is growing. Thankfully, the bone of my hips are still visible but I’m starting to check my belly every morning in searching of the fat…..it must be on the hips though. I hate the food, some days more than others.

18 - LET'S HOPE IT IS JUST HOMONES. LITTLE BASTARDS.

I really hope it is just my freaking hormones at work but I am beyond upset today. I have one kg more than last week. I’m tired and I have a splitting headache and that tells me it is probably hormones. Still I’m upset: I try to have everything under control, I even have a food journal so I know exactly what and when I eat so I’m sure I haven’t eaten more than I should or than usual, furthermore I had a very intense weekend so that kg was really unexpected.

I’ll wait two days because it wouldn’t be the first time my body deal me a blow but I’m quite worried . Now, what should I do? Avoid eating? That would be a fast and probably working solution but it wouldn’t tell me if the gained pound is an hormonal effect or just a bad food choice/intake. Another solution would be to eat regularly and wait next Monday scale’s response – who am I kidding, like I could stay a whole week without weight myself – but I know there’s no chance I’d do so.  

So, 2 days and cutting the carbs seems a good plan. I think I’ll stick to that.

That’s what I’m gonna do: I won’t have my yogurt and muesli before the gym but I’ll have the yogurt mixed in my smoothie. I’ll also cut down the fruit in the smoothie and  put into the blender more vegetables instead. Of course I’ll have a fruit in the afternoon (let’s say at 5 p.m.) and my dinner will be carbs free. Will I last for a week? I don’t know. The gym is pretty hard and I’m very tired from work, housekeeping, taking care of my family and so many other things usually called life.

Also I think I may invert lunch and dinner and have proteins and vegetables at lunch and the smoothie for dinner. I’m still considering this option though. As a last desperate option if I won’t lose this bastard kg within 3 days tops, I think I’ll only have smoothies for both lunch and dinner and I will cut the dairies too, I may add water to mix the vegetable in the blender.

Again, I don’t know. I am as desperate as I sound. 

17 - MY COMPULSIONS WORK JUST FINE....FOR EVERYONE BUT ME

Some compulsions are a bit more expensive than other, economically and emotionally.

I am a woman and – like many women – I love bags, shoes, clothing……I try to be fashionable.

There are times I buy things because I like them or because I need them (like the chinos of a previous post) but there are also time I buy things just “because”. I often buy things and I give them away in less than a year. In time I figured I give them away because of the way I fell when I see/wear them. Shopping while I’m upset/sad is a subconscious, insidious mechanism I act out too often.

It works just like the bulimia type one with food: first the spasmodic compulsion to fill the void (eating/shopping) -  then the guilt (I shouldn’t have eaten/bought that) - then the necessity to get the things out (vomit/give away) – then the guilt again (I should have controlled myself before I did it vomit/waste a lot of money) – then counting the days – the gap in-between - the behavior didn’t manifest itself.

So, I am bulimic, obsessed, compulsive and maybe a bit bitch-y.

Why am I saying so? Because give away stuff triggers in me a response I don’t like. At all.

As I said more than once, I have trouble estimating how fat I am. Sometimes when I am with my sister, I suddenly point my finger towards someone and I ask her “am I fatter then that girl?”. It is not a polite thing to do, I know,  but I am very discrete and I really need to know because I have no idea how do I look. If she tells me (my sister can be brutally honest when it is not about her) she is like me I get a glimpse of the way I appear in the people’s eyes. Quite often I indicate people fatter than me and that tells me in my head I see myself fatter than I actually am, or so I hope.

But let’s go back to my bad behavior.

When I give away clothing usually friends come to my house and try them on. By the way they fit in them I do a comparison and I know if I am like them or not. Of course I give things to people wearing the size of the clothing I’m giving away, nevertheless, I have a few difficulties judging them too.

Once (say last month) I tried to give away a pair of jeans by Liu-Jo. I bought them in a dark moment and I never wore them. They are not my size and I paid them 170 Euros ca.  They are a size 33, I am a 30, sometimes a 31 or a 32, some other times a 28 or a 29 (Gosh if I wish the sizes would match from brand to brand) but never a 33. How did the heck I buy them? I have no idea.

Now, who are the lucky receivers of my (brand new or wore no more than twice) clothing? Usually my sister and my friends or coworkers wearing my size (or at least the ones I think wear my size). They are not many though. Since I paid that pair of jeans a lot and they were brand new, I tried to give them to practically everyone. A shaping, dark wash, expensive jeans for free: everybody tried them on. They fit no one. Where was the problem? I think there were mainly two problems:

1 . that 33 is hardly a 32 (some brands use to put haphazardly the size – I hate them)

2. the people I think are my size are fatter than me ergo I am not as fat as I think. (the corrector on my PC underlined “fat” in blue on the last sentence…..it says I should correct with fast, bah)

I even tried to give them to an old friend of mine who usually wears a 32, I thought she would look amazing in them. I thought she was just like me (give or take)so they would have been a bit lose or-  maybe - since she gained a few pounds, perfect on her. She couldn’t even pass them through her thighs. I really thought she was almost like me, a bit chubbier for sure, but just a couple inches, no more so it really struck me…….I tried them again when she went home and I got the inches are more than two.

I hate that I kind of use this times (me giving away clothing) to compare. It is not about who’s fatter, I wish it was that simple - it is that I need something like measurement  to see the world. Just like my scale: depending on the number it shows me my shape in the mirror changes. I’m an horrid person and I don’t even think I am a bad person: I really love people and I try to always be nice to everyone since I hurt easily  and I hope never to hurt someone. 

16 - MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

Am I fat? I wish I new. I'm having lots of troubles of late with my body and even though people around me keep saying I not overweight I don't get it. I think I'm spiraling down. I feel like crying every morning no matter what the scale says and I'm very tired from hard work and the gym 5 times a week. What shoul I do? I can't be happy about things that would have made me veeery happy just a year ago. What's wrong with me? All I can think is food, how not to eat it, I've been there already once I don't want to be there again. ever again.

Here's the things that should have made me happy:

1 - Last Sunday I went to H&M to buy a pair of olive green trousers. The only decent pair of trousers in that color were the divided-super-skinny-regular-waist so I browsed for my size, of course it was the only one missing. Go figure! I asked for my size (EU40-ITA44-UK12) and a nice girl gave me the EU38. I was sure they wouldn't fit but i tried them on anyways. They were stretch so a thight fit but she said super skinny trousers have to be thight. To show me the size was actually right, she gave me a pair of high waist black trousers in the same size and they were a bit loose. 

Needless to say, I bought them both. 

I should have been happy but when at home I tried them again and when I looked in the mirror it showed me the usual chubby version of my body paired with a low espression on my face. Is there something wrong with my mirror? I can't say. 

2 - Just yesterday one of my (3 wonderful, amazing, the very best kids in the world) nieces - the older - hugged me and said "Auntie, you are so thin". I am not thin. I may have a flat tummy, that's true, but I'm really far from thin. I love her immensely and may love her a bit more for what she said (kidding....maybe) but it didn't make me happy. Also my sister is quite overweight so in comparison I may look quite thin to her. She asked me how am I that thin and (because I am a psychologyst after all but most of all because I love her) I basically answered  in a way I hope shouldn't damage her. Luckly enough she is naturally thin but she is is as lazy as lazy come. 

Like every 12 years old girl she should practice a sport (anyone of her choice but at least one), but - as I just said - she is lazy so she spend most of the time she isn't a school on the couch eating junk food and playing with her iPhone (yeah, she may be a little spoiled too) so I tried to give her an "educative and healty" answer. God knows I tried. What did I answer? Oh well, I gave her the most boring answer I managed to conjure "I eat a lot of fruit and vegetables every day and I do a lot of sport". Couldn't I be more boring? Probably not but she is in a very critical phase of her development, I'll never say the word diet in front of her. EVER. 

3 - Shopping again. I'm hitting the gym in the lunch break so after the shower I cannot put on a jumpsuite or something like that: I need to be back in my office attire, The heels are not really a problem, the skinny trousers are complitely another kettle of fish. I serched for a more comfortable but still smart casual pair of trousers and I found a compromise: the chinos. Just two days I didn't even know they existed t but god-to-be-thanked, someone invented them. I bought two pairs of them in two different shops. I'm not sure I'm actually going to love/wear 'em so I opted for low cost brands.

There were still some item on sale (just a few surplus items on a corner so even though I never find my size during the sales - shoes or trousers it doesn't matter I'm just average it seems) I searched there anyways........ no EU40-ITA44 to be found. In the end I bought two pairs of chino trousers, black and beige, and they were both on sale, the black one came from ONLY, the beige one from PIMKIE and they were both EU38-ITA42. 

I'm I happy, no? Because of course they fit, they are in cotton and comfy that's the only reason my huge butt found room in them. 

Out for today.

.

15 - I NEED GLASSES FOR MY BRAIN

Are they even for sale? I can't say but somedays I need 'em and it's strange to reconize it while being unable to do anything about the picture your mirror shows you. It ain't fair but it is so. 

I've been a ICD-IX 313.3 (my fancy way to say I've been diagnosed nervous anorexia when I was a teen) and it really affected the way I (still) perceive my body. I mean, this morning I jumped on my scale and it said 55.5 kg wich is a good thing you may think - I thought so too. Then I had breakfast, a shower, cooked my lunch (ok, I simply threw vegetables and fruit in the blender, it may not count as actual cooking.....) and it was already time to put somethig on. 
Here's my problem: nothing fitted me. Not like I couldn't phisically put the clothing on because they were too thight, it was just I was so fat (my legs to be specific) I sucked in anything, like ANYthing. I tried 5 different pair of trousers and I didn't even dare try the jeans. I've lost count of the shirts. 
I cried. 
I must admit I did cry - it was awful, it always is. It was one of "those" mornings: the mornings you wish you only had two pair of trousers and one is in the loundry so you have no choice. I have more than 30 pairs of trousers (jeans not included....) it's a hard job getting dressed when none of them fits you. I could either put the closet on fire or thow away the mirror.........seems like a good compromise some mornings. 
But my point is I KNEW I lost 0.5 kg so the image in the mirror wasn't real because I wasn't fatter than yesterday. Knowing that helped a bit, the rational part of my brain told me it was ok I'd only had to go through the day because I wasn't the way the mirror showed me. Eventually I put on black trousers and a full black sweater paired with nude shoes and a beige statement necklace. 
Time to go. 

13 - NICE PEOPLE AND COUNTERMEASURES

I’ve been so caught up with work I didn’t have time to write. To really be honest I’ve tried not to think about anything and that’s why I haven’t updated my craziness.

This morning though I’m quite miserable. I haven’t been able to work-out for several days (make it 3) and yesterday I had a birthday dinner and I was hungry all day. I think I’m thorough some hormonal phase but I haven’t slept home yesterday so I couldn’t have a nice face-to-face with WTP and I’m pretty worried. This morning I didn’t have my soy cappuccino with my 2 biscuits (the only thing that make it worth waking up in the morning), I traded it for a pear-juice with 2 rusks and a black coffee (no sugar of course).

I’m planning not to have snacks (maybe an apple in the evening but only if I’m on the verge of eating my desk) and I have with me boiled chicken – my lunch – with no side.

Tomorrow morning I should be able to face WTP so I’ll know how guilty I’ll have to be, for now I’m going to take a bottle of still water from the vending machine and drink it all up.

I’m upset but not that upset because yesterday at dinner a few people I haven’t seen in a while complimented me so I got it I’m thinner than last time they saw me although I’m not even near to how thin I would be (5 kg less would be just great – but I’m asking the impossible to my body).

Also I bought a pair of trousers from my former favorite brand size S. Of course this model fits more than the usual average S trousers from this brand, nevertheless, I wore a size S trousers and I was quite happy.  It is different being a M on the S side of the size than on the L side of the size. It was a tad contorted, I know. (see? Numbers – sizes in this case – make my days)

A friend at the restaurant actually told me she liked the shape I’m in and when I ordered plain chicken breast and grilled vegetables she said (yesterday I loved her more than the usual, and she is a very sweet woman)  I was ok and did not need to lose more pounds but I  countered that I’m not on a diet I’m just avoiding gluten and she nodded. She is a doctor and she is also always on diet, I don’t have to explain her stuff. I may have lied a bit about the gluten bit but it work so nicely when people start ask about think they are not supposed to know.

This is how my gluten “version” works: “it’s been two months I’m avoiding gluten, my diet is a regular one, I haven’t lost pounds – no more than two anyways – but since the gluten avoiding by body swelled down”. You should try it, it’s amazing and people just stop bothering you.

Anyways, I hope this evening I’ll get home at a reasonable hour so I can work-out and I pray tomorrow WTHscale will merciful. OVER.

I’m OUT at least for today.

14 - OBSESSIONS AT WORK - THE GYM

Ok last time I wrote here I said I'd be on a diet. 
It didn't go very well, mostly because things are a tad better. I've spent some time with my family later this august and it's been the best time I had in months. I ate a lot (really, bread mostly) and I felt guilty - of course I did - nevertheless, I was at home, loved and happy so I decided to postpone my unhappiness for a little while, I week or so. 

Back home things are hard again but a few things are going to be better. My father's operation went well or so they said. The time in the hospital with him was as boring as hell but I shouldn't really complain about it. No, actually I'm gonna complain.....the internet connection was bad to say the least and in 5 hours no one came upstairs ti tell us how the operation was going. They say many terrible things about public hospitals, private are no better. C'mon, 5 hour waiting and no one tells you anything in a clinic? bad connection too? I'm a bit upset. honestly.
But I love the fact that I'm complaining about this silly stuff because it means there is nothing really important worth complaining and that's a really good news.
Back on my favorite (loved and hated) topic, me and the food. 
I decided obsession works just fine but the strategies aren't working that good, furthermore, loosing weight and being in shape aren't the same thing, and I like to be in shape so I decided it was about time I joined the gym. 
Yes, THE GYM. 
If I am to be obsessed then I can take advantage of it and try and be in shape. It's been a week and I like the feeling of my legs burning the moment I leave the swimming pool. 
I'm controlling (me, controlling something? no, really, How did it happen?) all the food intake and I developed a taste for smoothies, I think I love 'em.
I'm having my usual breakfast (soy cappuccino and 2 small bisquitts), kefir yogurt and muesly at 10:30/11:00, THE GYM, a smoothie right after the gym, 2 rusks or a slice of brown bread with jam or a fruit at 17:00 ca, chicken or eggs or fish at dinner - like every day.
Unbeliveably so, this morning I was 55.5 kg. I thought I was eating too much but I've lost weight.