16 - MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

Am I fat? I wish I new. I'm having lots of troubles of late with my body and even though people around me keep saying I not overweight I don't get it. I think I'm spiraling down. I feel like crying every morning no matter what the scale says and I'm very tired from hard work and the gym 5 times a week. What shoul I do? I can't be happy about things that would have made me veeery happy just a year ago. What's wrong with me? All I can think is food, how not to eat it, I've been there already once I don't want to be there again. ever again.

Here's the things that should have made me happy:

1 - Last Sunday I went to H&M to buy a pair of olive green trousers. The only decent pair of trousers in that color were the divided-super-skinny-regular-waist so I browsed for my size, of course it was the only one missing. Go figure! I asked for my size (EU40-ITA44-UK12) and a nice girl gave me the EU38. I was sure they wouldn't fit but i tried them on anyways. They were stretch so a thight fit but she said super skinny trousers have to be thight. To show me the size was actually right, she gave me a pair of high waist black trousers in the same size and they were a bit loose. 

Needless to say, I bought them both. 

I should have been happy but when at home I tried them again and when I looked in the mirror it showed me the usual chubby version of my body paired with a low espression on my face. Is there something wrong with my mirror? I can't say. 

2 - Just yesterday one of my (3 wonderful, amazing, the very best kids in the world) nieces - the older - hugged me and said "Auntie, you are so thin". I am not thin. I may have a flat tummy, that's true, but I'm really far from thin. I love her immensely and may love her a bit more for what she said (kidding....maybe) but it didn't make me happy. Also my sister is quite overweight so in comparison I may look quite thin to her. She asked me how am I that thin and (because I am a psychologyst after all but most of all because I love her) I basically answered  in a way I hope shouldn't damage her. Luckly enough she is naturally thin but she is is as lazy as lazy come. 

Like every 12 years old girl she should practice a sport (anyone of her choice but at least one), but - as I just said - she is lazy so she spend most of the time she isn't a school on the couch eating junk food and playing with her iPhone (yeah, she may be a little spoiled too) so I tried to give her an "educative and healty" answer. God knows I tried. What did I answer? Oh well, I gave her the most boring answer I managed to conjure "I eat a lot of fruit and vegetables every day and I do a lot of sport". Couldn't I be more boring? Probably not but she is in a very critical phase of her development, I'll never say the word diet in front of her. EVER. 

3 - Shopping again. I'm hitting the gym in the lunch break so after the shower I cannot put on a jumpsuite or something like that: I need to be back in my office attire, The heels are not really a problem, the skinny trousers are complitely another kettle of fish. I serched for a more comfortable but still smart casual pair of trousers and I found a compromise: the chinos. Just two days I didn't even know they existed t but god-to-be-thanked, someone invented them. I bought two pairs of them in two different shops. I'm not sure I'm actually going to love/wear 'em so I opted for low cost brands.

There were still some item on sale (just a few surplus items on a corner so even though I never find my size during the sales - shoes or trousers it doesn't matter I'm just average it seems) I searched there anyways........ no EU40-ITA44 to be found. In the end I bought two pairs of chino trousers, black and beige, and they were both on sale, the black one came from ONLY, the beige one from PIMKIE and they were both EU38-ITA42. 

I'm I happy, no? Because of course they fit, they are in cotton and comfy that's the only reason my huge butt found room in them. 

Out for today.

.