19 - THE BASTARD IS STILL HERE

I’m lacking words. If I was upset just two days (was it yesterday?) ago,  how should I feel/be today. The kg won’t go down. Today I brought my smoothie and I have one at home for dinner. I also bought a grapefruit for later. I know I shouldn’t cut carbs down while I’m joining the gym 5/7 and I have to take care of my nieces and the little one always asks me to pick her up (and I do pick her up) that’s 18 kg – give or take – and it is enough exercise after an hour in the swimming pool, still…..

I cannot see the reason I’m not losing that bastard kg. I really cannot increase the exercise, not all of a sudden (and with all the thing I have to do) so I shall reduce the amount of food. I see no other solution. I sincerely don’t think I gained muscle in less than two weeks. There is still a lot of fat on my tights and I cannot rely on my mirror, nor I can rely on my trousers, they all seem the same to me (and they are far from being baggy).

Desperation is growing. Thankfully, the bone of my hips are still visible but I’m starting to check my belly every morning in searching of the fat…..it must be on the hips though. I hate the food, some days more than others.

18 - LET'S HOPE IT IS JUST HOMONES. LITTLE BASTARDS.

I really hope it is just my freaking hormones at work but I am beyond upset today. I have one kg more than last week. I’m tired and I have a splitting headache and that tells me it is probably hormones. Still I’m upset: I try to have everything under control, I even have a food journal so I know exactly what and when I eat so I’m sure I haven’t eaten more than I should or than usual, furthermore I had a very intense weekend so that kg was really unexpected.

I’ll wait two days because it wouldn’t be the first time my body deal me a blow but I’m quite worried . Now, what should I do? Avoid eating? That would be a fast and probably working solution but it wouldn’t tell me if the gained pound is an hormonal effect or just a bad food choice/intake. Another solution would be to eat regularly and wait next Monday scale’s response – who am I kidding, like I could stay a whole week without weight myself – but I know there’s no chance I’d do so.  

So, 2 days and cutting the carbs seems a good plan. I think I’ll stick to that.

That’s what I’m gonna do: I won’t have my yogurt and muesli before the gym but I’ll have the yogurt mixed in my smoothie. I’ll also cut down the fruit in the smoothie and  put into the blender more vegetables instead. Of course I’ll have a fruit in the afternoon (let’s say at 5 p.m.) and my dinner will be carbs free. Will I last for a week? I don’t know. The gym is pretty hard and I’m very tired from work, housekeeping, taking care of my family and so many other things usually called life.

Also I think I may invert lunch and dinner and have proteins and vegetables at lunch and the smoothie for dinner. I’m still considering this option though. As a last desperate option if I won’t lose this bastard kg within 3 days tops, I think I’ll only have smoothies for both lunch and dinner and I will cut the dairies too, I may add water to mix the vegetable in the blender.

Again, I don’t know. I am as desperate as I sound. 

17 - MY COMPULSIONS WORK JUST FINE....FOR EVERYONE BUT ME

Some compulsions are a bit more expensive than other, economically and emotionally.

I am a woman and – like many women – I love bags, shoes, clothing……I try to be fashionable.

There are times I buy things because I like them or because I need them (like the chinos of a previous post) but there are also time I buy things just “because”. I often buy things and I give them away in less than a year. In time I figured I give them away because of the way I fell when I see/wear them. Shopping while I’m upset/sad is a subconscious, insidious mechanism I act out too often.

It works just like the bulimia type one with food: first the spasmodic compulsion to fill the void (eating/shopping) -  then the guilt (I shouldn’t have eaten/bought that) - then the necessity to get the things out (vomit/give away) – then the guilt again (I should have controlled myself before I did it vomit/waste a lot of money) – then counting the days – the gap in-between - the behavior didn’t manifest itself.

So, I am bulimic, obsessed, compulsive and maybe a bit bitch-y.

Why am I saying so? Because give away stuff triggers in me a response I don’t like. At all.

As I said more than once, I have trouble estimating how fat I am. Sometimes when I am with my sister, I suddenly point my finger towards someone and I ask her “am I fatter then that girl?”. It is not a polite thing to do, I know,  but I am very discrete and I really need to know because I have no idea how do I look. If she tells me (my sister can be brutally honest when it is not about her) she is like me I get a glimpse of the way I appear in the people’s eyes. Quite often I indicate people fatter than me and that tells me in my head I see myself fatter than I actually am, or so I hope.

But let’s go back to my bad behavior.

When I give away clothing usually friends come to my house and try them on. By the way they fit in them I do a comparison and I know if I am like them or not. Of course I give things to people wearing the size of the clothing I’m giving away, nevertheless, I have a few difficulties judging them too.

Once (say last month) I tried to give away a pair of jeans by Liu-Jo. I bought them in a dark moment and I never wore them. They are not my size and I paid them 170 Euros ca.  They are a size 33, I am a 30, sometimes a 31 or a 32, some other times a 28 or a 29 (Gosh if I wish the sizes would match from brand to brand) but never a 33. How did the heck I buy them? I have no idea.

Now, who are the lucky receivers of my (brand new or wore no more than twice) clothing? Usually my sister and my friends or coworkers wearing my size (or at least the ones I think wear my size). They are not many though. Since I paid that pair of jeans a lot and they were brand new, I tried to give them to practically everyone. A shaping, dark wash, expensive jeans for free: everybody tried them on. They fit no one. Where was the problem? I think there were mainly two problems:

1 . that 33 is hardly a 32 (some brands use to put haphazardly the size – I hate them)

2. the people I think are my size are fatter than me ergo I am not as fat as I think. (the corrector on my PC underlined “fat” in blue on the last sentence…..it says I should correct with fast, bah)

I even tried to give them to an old friend of mine who usually wears a 32, I thought she would look amazing in them. I thought she was just like me (give or take)so they would have been a bit lose or-  maybe - since she gained a few pounds, perfect on her. She couldn’t even pass them through her thighs. I really thought she was almost like me, a bit chubbier for sure, but just a couple inches, no more so it really struck me…….I tried them again when she went home and I got the inches are more than two.

I hate that I kind of use this times (me giving away clothing) to compare. It is not about who’s fatter, I wish it was that simple - it is that I need something like measurement  to see the world. Just like my scale: depending on the number it shows me my shape in the mirror changes. I’m an horrid person and I don’t even think I am a bad person: I really love people and I try to always be nice to everyone since I hurt easily  and I hope never to hurt someone. 

16 - MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

Am I fat? I wish I new. I'm having lots of troubles of late with my body and even though people around me keep saying I not overweight I don't get it. I think I'm spiraling down. I feel like crying every morning no matter what the scale says and I'm very tired from hard work and the gym 5 times a week. What shoul I do? I can't be happy about things that would have made me veeery happy just a year ago. What's wrong with me? All I can think is food, how not to eat it, I've been there already once I don't want to be there again. ever again.

Here's the things that should have made me happy:

1 - Last Sunday I went to H&M to buy a pair of olive green trousers. The only decent pair of trousers in that color were the divided-super-skinny-regular-waist so I browsed for my size, of course it was the only one missing. Go figure! I asked for my size (EU40-ITA44-UK12) and a nice girl gave me the EU38. I was sure they wouldn't fit but i tried them on anyways. They were stretch so a thight fit but she said super skinny trousers have to be thight. To show me the size was actually right, she gave me a pair of high waist black trousers in the same size and they were a bit loose. 

Needless to say, I bought them both. 

I should have been happy but when at home I tried them again and when I looked in the mirror it showed me the usual chubby version of my body paired with a low espression on my face. Is there something wrong with my mirror? I can't say. 

2 - Just yesterday one of my (3 wonderful, amazing, the very best kids in the world) nieces - the older - hugged me and said "Auntie, you are so thin". I am not thin. I may have a flat tummy, that's true, but I'm really far from thin. I love her immensely and may love her a bit more for what she said (kidding....maybe) but it didn't make me happy. Also my sister is quite overweight so in comparison I may look quite thin to her. She asked me how am I that thin and (because I am a psychologyst after all but most of all because I love her) I basically answered  in a way I hope shouldn't damage her. Luckly enough she is naturally thin but she is is as lazy as lazy come. 

Like every 12 years old girl she should practice a sport (anyone of her choice but at least one), but - as I just said - she is lazy so she spend most of the time she isn't a school on the couch eating junk food and playing with her iPhone (yeah, she may be a little spoiled too) so I tried to give her an "educative and healty" answer. God knows I tried. What did I answer? Oh well, I gave her the most boring answer I managed to conjure "I eat a lot of fruit and vegetables every day and I do a lot of sport". Couldn't I be more boring? Probably not but she is in a very critical phase of her development, I'll never say the word diet in front of her. EVER. 

3 - Shopping again. I'm hitting the gym in the lunch break so after the shower I cannot put on a jumpsuite or something like that: I need to be back in my office attire, The heels are not really a problem, the skinny trousers are complitely another kettle of fish. I serched for a more comfortable but still smart casual pair of trousers and I found a compromise: the chinos. Just two days I didn't even know they existed t but god-to-be-thanked, someone invented them. I bought two pairs of them in two different shops. I'm not sure I'm actually going to love/wear 'em so I opted for low cost brands.

There were still some item on sale (just a few surplus items on a corner so even though I never find my size during the sales - shoes or trousers it doesn't matter I'm just average it seems) I searched there anyways........ no EU40-ITA44 to be found. In the end I bought two pairs of chino trousers, black and beige, and they were both on sale, the black one came from ONLY, the beige one from PIMKIE and they were both EU38-ITA42. 

I'm I happy, no? Because of course they fit, they are in cotton and comfy that's the only reason my huge butt found room in them. 

Out for today.

.

15 - I NEED GLASSES FOR MY BRAIN

Are they even for sale? I can't say but somedays I need 'em and it's strange to reconize it while being unable to do anything about the picture your mirror shows you. It ain't fair but it is so. 

I've been a ICD-IX 313.3 (my fancy way to say I've been diagnosed nervous anorexia when I was a teen) and it really affected the way I (still) perceive my body. I mean, this morning I jumped on my scale and it said 55.5 kg wich is a good thing you may think - I thought so too. Then I had breakfast, a shower, cooked my lunch (ok, I simply threw vegetables and fruit in the blender, it may not count as actual cooking.....) and it was already time to put somethig on. 
Here's my problem: nothing fitted me. Not like I couldn't phisically put the clothing on because they were too thight, it was just I was so fat (my legs to be specific) I sucked in anything, like ANYthing. I tried 5 different pair of trousers and I didn't even dare try the jeans. I've lost count of the shirts. 
I cried. 
I must admit I did cry - it was awful, it always is. It was one of "those" mornings: the mornings you wish you only had two pair of trousers and one is in the loundry so you have no choice. I have more than 30 pairs of trousers (jeans not included....) it's a hard job getting dressed when none of them fits you. I could either put the closet on fire or thow away the mirror.........seems like a good compromise some mornings. 
But my point is I KNEW I lost 0.5 kg so the image in the mirror wasn't real because I wasn't fatter than yesterday. Knowing that helped a bit, the rational part of my brain told me it was ok I'd only had to go through the day because I wasn't the way the mirror showed me. Eventually I put on black trousers and a full black sweater paired with nude shoes and a beige statement necklace. 
Time to go. 

13 - NICE PEOPLE AND COUNTERMEASURES

I’ve been so caught up with work I didn’t have time to write. To really be honest I’ve tried not to think about anything and that’s why I haven’t updated my craziness.

This morning though I’m quite miserable. I haven’t been able to work-out for several days (make it 3) and yesterday I had a birthday dinner and I was hungry all day. I think I’m thorough some hormonal phase but I haven’t slept home yesterday so I couldn’t have a nice face-to-face with WTP and I’m pretty worried. This morning I didn’t have my soy cappuccino with my 2 biscuits (the only thing that make it worth waking up in the morning), I traded it for a pear-juice with 2 rusks and a black coffee (no sugar of course).

I’m planning not to have snacks (maybe an apple in the evening but only if I’m on the verge of eating my desk) and I have with me boiled chicken – my lunch – with no side.

Tomorrow morning I should be able to face WTP so I’ll know how guilty I’ll have to be, for now I’m going to take a bottle of still water from the vending machine and drink it all up.

I’m upset but not that upset because yesterday at dinner a few people I haven’t seen in a while complimented me so I got it I’m thinner than last time they saw me although I’m not even near to how thin I would be (5 kg less would be just great – but I’m asking the impossible to my body).

Also I bought a pair of trousers from my former favorite brand size S. Of course this model fits more than the usual average S trousers from this brand, nevertheless, I wore a size S trousers and I was quite happy.  It is different being a M on the S side of the size than on the L side of the size. It was a tad contorted, I know. (see? Numbers – sizes in this case – make my days)

A friend at the restaurant actually told me she liked the shape I’m in and when I ordered plain chicken breast and grilled vegetables she said (yesterday I loved her more than the usual, and she is a very sweet woman)  I was ok and did not need to lose more pounds but I  countered that I’m not on a diet I’m just avoiding gluten and she nodded. She is a doctor and she is also always on diet, I don’t have to explain her stuff. I may have lied a bit about the gluten bit but it work so nicely when people start ask about think they are not supposed to know.

This is how my gluten “version” works: “it’s been two months I’m avoiding gluten, my diet is a regular one, I haven’t lost pounds – no more than two anyways – but since the gluten avoiding by body swelled down”. You should try it, it’s amazing and people just stop bothering you.

Anyways, I hope this evening I’ll get home at a reasonable hour so I can work-out and I pray tomorrow WTHscale will merciful. OVER.

I’m OUT at least for today.

14 - OBSESSIONS AT WORK - THE GYM

Ok last time I wrote here I said I'd be on a diet. 
It didn't go very well, mostly because things are a tad better. I've spent some time with my family later this august and it's been the best time I had in months. I ate a lot (really, bread mostly) and I felt guilty - of course I did - nevertheless, I was at home, loved and happy so I decided to postpone my unhappiness for a little while, I week or so. 

Back home things are hard again but a few things are going to be better. My father's operation went well or so they said. The time in the hospital with him was as boring as hell but I shouldn't really complain about it. No, actually I'm gonna complain.....the internet connection was bad to say the least and in 5 hours no one came upstairs ti tell us how the operation was going. They say many terrible things about public hospitals, private are no better. C'mon, 5 hour waiting and no one tells you anything in a clinic? bad connection too? I'm a bit upset. honestly.
But I love the fact that I'm complaining about this silly stuff because it means there is nothing really important worth complaining and that's a really good news.
Back on my favorite (loved and hated) topic, me and the food. 
I decided obsession works just fine but the strategies aren't working that good, furthermore, loosing weight and being in shape aren't the same thing, and I like to be in shape so I decided it was about time I joined the gym. 
Yes, THE GYM. 
If I am to be obsessed then I can take advantage of it and try and be in shape. It's been a week and I like the feeling of my legs burning the moment I leave the swimming pool. 
I'm controlling (me, controlling something? no, really, How did it happen?) all the food intake and I developed a taste for smoothies, I think I love 'em.
I'm having my usual breakfast (soy cappuccino and 2 small bisquitts), kefir yogurt and muesly at 10:30/11:00, THE GYM, a smoothie right after the gym, 2 rusks or a slice of brown bread with jam or a fruit at 17:00 ca, chicken or eggs or fish at dinner - like every day.
Unbeliveably so, this morning I was 55.5 kg. I thought I was eating too much but I've lost weight. 

12 - THINGS I DO FOR LOVE

Ok, I know I quoted GOT. I did it for a kiwi nevertheless. We'll get there in due time.

This is how the story goes: yesterday it was my niece's birthday. She turned 11 - my sweet pea!!!!

My sister decided for a birthday dinner and my mother got along with her idea so she cooked a dinner (the unserstatement of the century) and invited us over. 

Dinner - at 9pm - started with lasagna. No, really I'm not eating steamed rice how did she think I would eat lasagna? I sat, I looked at my plate filled with something I love and I pushed it away. I'm sorry - really, I am -  but there was no way I was going to eat that (delicious) stuff. 

I stated I don't have pasta at dinner - and my sister said I'm an arse - and I waited for the second course. 

Milanese cotoletta, because God forbid it was a grilled something. I actually ate half of my cotoletta and I threw the other half in my niece's plate (the little one, not the birthday girl), she didn't even notice. 

Fruit time - I had plenty of salad and wasn't really going to eat anything else - my little niece said she'd never saw a kiwi and asked for one, so I peeeled one for her. The moment she saw the bright green (what color did she think the fruit was supposed to be? God knows, I don't) she said she didn't want it. What was I supposed to do? Since I owed her one for the cotoletta I ate it. This is not the only reason. Daddy was the other one. We huggled over the size of my cotoletta and it was a strange moment. I asked for a little one and he tried to give me a huge one. We bickered a bit then my mother intervened and shushed him. there was something strange about the way the non-conversation went. Bottom line the only person I really care about - and cannot know the crap I'm dealing with at the moment - is the only one caring. As usual. See? How could I not love daddy. Likely enough I can't eat wipped cream (for real) so the cake thing went smoothly, I mean I ate a bit of it and puked it in less then 20 minutes.
This morning I had my daily meeting with WTP (AKA my winnie the pooh scale) and it said I was 58/59....I had done nothing wrong. I was really surprised and a bit dishearten. But then something "funny" happened. I found out my period stopped. Second day and it stooped. I think I should be worried, instead I'm relieved because it could (must) be the cause of the weight gain. However I think it may be the right time to try 1 or 2 weeks without carbs and see what happens.
I'm just this side of crazy. I just hope I'm on the "sane" side more than on the "screwed" one, some days I wonder.....

11 - NEUROTICALLY CREATIVE

Of late I became quite creative.
I have coping strategies for everything, water too.
When I boil vegetables I keep the water and drink it. When I don't boil vegetables, some days I just grill them, I boil water and put into it green the or camomilla since I have a lot of coffee during the day. Why do I do it? Because I think boiled water is "lighter" than regular water.
I'm fucked up, I know. But the more you pee, the more toxins you throw out of your system.
So I have boiled water, a spoon of bran in the pear juice in the morning and in a yogurt in the afternoon and lots of vegetables in the evening.
I was planning on losing 4 KGs before summer, it is not easy since  my body never went  below 57. I got sick but it stands  its position.
If is not a think I thought out of vanity. Ok, I may want to weight less but this time this is not the reason why.
In two months, It will be summer and if I am to spend days with my friends and seem "normal" (pass me this dreadfull world) the only way I can go past it would be with a little less weight.
I'm wandering if, once I'd weight less (which I know by experience, it will never happen) I'd worsten my behavior so to mantain the new weight. But it's never gonna happen.
I though I could go see a dietologist, he should know how to make me lose this 4 KGs in 2 mounts time but I don't know if he'll figure it out my problem and I'm not really ready to talk about my crap to anyone. My iPad screen doesn't count.
So, how the heck do I lose 4 KGs in 2 months without starving me? not that I mind starvation but it doesn't work with my body and when I go back to eat it grows weight faster than a speeding bullet (sorry for the comic book reference).
I'll check the web.

10 - FEELING ALONE

This last 2 days I've been particularly sad.
Yesterday and the day before it I cried my eyes out, couldn't master the reason why.
I felt sad and alone and I also didn't really want to see people 'cause I was in no condition to. So thursday I ate a lot (it is funny, every time I have to write the past tense of eat I mispell it into hate. Same sound. Same meaning to me I guess), a huge portion of vegetables, 3 bisquits and an orange too much.
The morning after WTP told me I was somewhere between 58/59 but I had it coming.
So yesterday I took my "potion" at work and I had an apple with a low fat yogurt for lunch.
Dinner was difficult too but it was because I was crying and I felt like I needed to hurt myself a bit to regain control over my self.
I had to cut my nails short, I was scratching everything to blood.
Eventually I ate a mozzarella passed from a few days hoping I'd trow it up. I didn't but my stomach hurt for more than 1 hour and having a phisical reason to suffer, it made me feel better.
Way better.
That's how I work, cannot deal with pain unless there is a logical (physical) explanation to it.
Today WTP had good news, I was 58 again and I am MS so hopefully if I behave, I may lose a few pounds this 3/4 days.
I think it may be a little less than 58 but I'm not sure because it is a mechanic scale so everytime I step on it is never the same.
Anyhow, yesterday I ate so very little and this is not a good think, I cannot allow my body to work on this amount or if (more likely when) I'd eat more I'll grow weight.
It is hard to balance things.
I'm starting to think PSM/MS are screwing me badly. It wasn't like this a few months before. I hope it is a coincidence but both my weight gain and low mood happened during specific days of the month. On one hand, thinking that the weight changed because of physical issue and not me both scared me and made me feel better. I hate I cannot control things but I'm happy it may not be (entirely) my fault.

9 - SOME DAYS ARE JUST HARDER

Yesterday was a bad day, Dad was at the hospital and they said it should be a routine issue. i want to believe them, I do but all the same I know I can't. Things like this simply go the way they go and there is nothing you can do about it.

I ate a lot. I also hate a lot (doctors, hospital, random people in the waiting room). 

Just one of those days, you know. I didn't have junk food from the hospital's vending machine (brownie points for me) but I had more than one fruit in the evening, countless coffees, a cappuccino and grilled chicken with potatoes.Yep, potatoes. We ate together in a place nearby the hospital since we stayed there waiting 'till 9pm and there was the only option rather then pizza or burghers.

Of corse yesterday it was ok - kinda - the morning after I'm complaining.

I already boiled zucchini and put them plus an apple in my purse. Today I'll try to skip both carbs and meat/fish/dairies and stick to boiled zucchini and an apple for both lunch and dinner. Hopefully it will help with my guilt. I don't think it will help with my weight. 

Today I had my WTP conversation, I was scared as hell but I did. I think yesterday the tilt of my scale was a bit less than 58 (slightly) and today it is a little bit on the other side but I cannot be the sure and, ad I told you before, it is for the best.

9 - LUNCH INVITATION

Yesterday was one of those days you just cannot controll yourself. I had my credit-card-size-slice of pepperoni pizza and then at the theater P. bought me a chocolate while he had a massive bowl of popcorn and a gigantic cola. He waited for me to eat it and I said I'd eat it during the movie (and I did both because it had been a nice gesture and because he asked me twice during the movie if I had).
So while Steve Rogers tried to help Bucky, I had an apple and a chocolate.
Back at home (11 pm) I did a fast workout session (like it would help, silly me...) but at least I had had a boiled zucchini soup for dinner so I hoped I didn't do that much harm.
As always, the worst is yet to come. I thought I would eat no carbs the day after (meaning tomorrow) but no......I'm going out for lunch. Not the kind of invitation 8restaurants or buffet ones) where you can pick whatever the heck you want, no, the one where people actually cook and stuff your plate with food you don't even like and expect you to eat all of it.
If I wanted something like that I'd have lunch at my mom's.
Anyways, I'll have to manage it somehow and considering the "antipasto" she usually arrange is more than I eat in 2 days (no kidding) I'm gonna have a hard time today and a terrible time tomorrow.
You must know this morning I had my usual "chat" with WTP (my Winnie the Poo scale) and, even tho I was worried and didn't want to talk to it today, eventually I gave in (only because of I need to know what will happen after the lunch so I had to know my actual situation). I was still 58 so the Sun is allowed to shine.
I must confess I slipped 2 spoons of bran in the beverage I brought with me yesterday as a preventive measure to contain my guilty in case I'd taste popcorn or something else. I didn't but it never hurt to clean yourself up a bit. Hopefully it will be of help for today! Gosh, I cannot think of anything else rather than how will I manage this lunch.
I'll slow down, cut the food in many small pieces so to spend a lot of time on a sigle course, I'll drink plenty of water and then I will have again boiled zucchini (no dressing) for dinner when at home.
I love people who spend 2 hours over a coffe, it is relaxing, you cannot add solid food and still have a nice time, lunches and dinners at home, all sitting at the big table freaks me out.

8 - GIVING IN

The pepperoni pizza in my fridge was all I could think of for most of the afternoon. Eventually I gave in and cut a piece from the slice.
It was as big as a credit card (I'm not kidding, I used the card to measure it, I needed a "measurement unit") and it tasted so good.
Anyways,  this morning Winnie the Pooh (yes I have a WTP scale) told me I am still 58, no harm done, so it seems.

I'm a little worried  tho so I ended up deciding I won't have carbs today. It's gonna be hard, not because of the carbs but because it is saturday and I'm supposed  to meet my friends and watch captain America (civil war).

Luckly it's after dinner but I' not really allowed to eat junk food, not even for Cap. America. I'll bring an apple in my purse just in case.
I figured this out a long time ago: if I don't have anything I "can" eat with me I crave everything I put my eyes on, if I have something (healthy of corse, usually a fruit) I don't even get hungry.
This morning I don't have to go to the office and for tonight I may opt for a skirt or a loose pair of black trousers so I won't spend the next 20 minutes trying on all I have in the closet and cry in the bathroom afterwards.
Yesterday I've been insanely hungry, I had to add 2 rusks to my staff ed zucchini at dinner (maybe it is the period of the month or maybe it is the second day in a row I eat stuffed zucchini) so the pizza wasn't really a good idea.
But if you fall you get up.
Yesterday was one of those days you cannot concentrate because your head is all about eat or not to eat the pizza. I'm putting it in P. plate today, I cannot bear to open the fridge and see it.
Hopefully he will also finish the home made apple pie a friend gave us, it smells so good and it's already been three morning I resisted even tasting it. This morning I'll lie and tell him I ate it, I already hid  a little piece of it in the garbage so he'll never know. I know it's very bad of me but if I have to feel guilty, it will better be over something I actually love (like pizza), not over something I wouldn't usually eat.

7 - CRAVING COLD UNEATABLE PEPPERONI PIZZA

In the last month my weight has been somewhere between 58/59, usually right in the middle but since I have a Winnie the Pooh scale that only mark KGs, I can't really be precise and considering how neurotic I am that's a good thing!
So, yesterday I was 59 and I had all those creepy issues but life went on anyways so this morning I breathed in and eventually stepped on the scale.
58.
Ok, no fennel infusion today. 

Breakfast time should be a piece of cake (no pun intended, really). It could be if food wasn’t  your actual obsession and - in your way to the coffee machine - you didn’t risk finding a slice of pepperoni pizza in your kitchen. 

Yesterday I cooked stuffed zucchini for dinner but P. come home with pizza. It smelled so good but I resisted it and drank the last of my fennel infusion while watching Arrow. 

Atta girl.

This morning, I entered the kitchen and I found the last slice of pizza, I simply craved it. It was cold and the cheese seemed past the eatable point but I’d eat it anyway. 

I may have stared at it for a few minutes but eventually I made up my mind and I put it into the fridge and took the soy milk bottle instead.

Keep in check your eating disorder is hard when you don’t live alone.

I should have put it in the garbage, I won’t think of anything else when I’ll be back home.

Still, was barely 6 in the morning, I had to go to work thus I had to dress (the morning moment I dread the most).

Remember my Terranova size M jeans? Well I tried them on. Of course they fitted but I didn't like what the mirror showed me. 

Nevertheless, since Winnie the Pooh told me otherwise, I tried a few other pair of trousers.
Now, let me tell you that people should decide how many cm a size is supposed to be once and for all because there is no chance I tried on 4 pair of trousers, from 4 different brands, in 4 different sizes, and they didn't fit accordingly to the tag.
Here we go:
Terranova blue jeans size M, they fit perfectly. I still don't know if they’re a 28 or a 30 but they are comfortable enough.
Pinko washed blu jeans size 28, a bit loose on the waist but the right size for my tight.
Killah black jeans size 29, I zipped them but it seems I need to seat or simply move so I think I'll wait for the balance to tell me I'm 56/57 before I'll try them again. Really, who styled them?
But the best is yet to come.
I still feel a bit swelled up so I thought I’d better wear a pair of comfortable but not too loose jeans.  I grabbed my dark wash miss sixty jeggins.
They are comfortable indeed and fit just like the pinko's but they are size 32.
You do the math, I'm done for this morning! 

Once I choose the jeans I still had to pick a shirt. I changed a few times and then I opted for an olive green basic shirt I love so much and always makes me feel ok. Some clothing are just like comfort food to me. 

It was 7am, my day had a really bad start.

6 - I HATE PEAR JUICE BUT I DRANK IT ANYWAYS

Speaking of pears, today on lunch break - faster than a lightning bolt - I went to the grocery store and I bought pear juices and bran (a dusty stuff I’ve never tasted before). I still don’t like pears but they seems to rule my life on this days.

I bought it because a friend of mine told me her dietician scolded her for having a yogurt every day (as a snack of course).

Gulp! I have a yogurt everyday too…

So I searched for a better option and  I discovered that, for pears like me it would be better not to indulge on dairies at all. Screw it.

I also discovered that we pear-shaped-people have a bit more estrogens and that’s why the fat goes right on our hips and we are more prone to mood changes on those days.

In order to improve the pear-factor we need to get rid of as many estrogens as possible and it is harder during PMS since fluid (and …) retention is at its best.

Thus: less dairies and bran.

It seems this bran is a miracle-maker, it helps you get rid of toxins and also makes you feel less hungry (if only I ate because of I’m hungry).

Better (worst on my POV) you have to mix this tasteless dust into a liquid something like juices or yogurt. Since I’m not supposed to have yogurt more than 2 days in a row, that leaved me to juices and the best one for the goal I have in mind it’s pear.

Now you got why I said I’m having a pear-life.

I need my cappuccino in the morning so I’ll have my glass of soy milk no matter what but I think I’ll eke out my beloved dairies.

Pear-life sucks.

Hopefully I’ll lose a bit of weight but I doubt it, let me hope tho, it makes it easier to resist.

I still need to have a bit of control over my life and I know this is not the better way to do so but it is easier than self-harm (which left me with scars inside and outside). Bulimia hopefully will scar me only on the inside and maybe let me lose a few pounds. I know my body doesn’t answer well to starvation, at some point it makes me sicken but the number on the scale hold its position but I still have hope.

Bottom line I have a lot of issues, scale is my BFF, internet is a two edged sword, I’m a pear (and a proud one nevertheless…):  scarely so, I think I'm ok with it.

5 - BULIMIC BUT STILL A PEAR

I spend a really great amount of time googling food I should eat or avoid. I also discovered all this weight calculators supposed to tell you how much your weight should be. Let me say they are crazy, there is too significative difference from one another, how would i know which one is the right one for me?
The funniest thing tho is that I discovered that there are foods that you'd better eat/avoid depending on the fruit you are.
Yes, not the fruit you eat, the one you are.
Human body can be coarsely classified as a fruit salad: apples, pears and bananas.
Bottom line, with my presumable scarce 42 on the top and scarce 44 on the bottom I am a proud pear.
I still don't know if I am a williams, a kaiser or a quyot but is seems I am a pear after all. Who would have thought, i don't really like pears.
There is a whole word concerning us pears: how to slim tights, work out that only add mass, how to dress.
Internet has an answer for every question. Some answer are foolish and silly and people (like me) should keep their thoughts for themselves but if you have time to waste, internet is there.
Just like the fruit, the human-pear come in different varieties.
There are also a few blogs from both tiny and overweight pears telling you how to better dress for your figure so you can cover your "week point" and be fashionable.

Sometimes the psychologist in me - I love reading between the lines, it's part of my job - wants to read some discontentment in the chubby-pear-bloggers' writing but maybe it's just me projecting my own discomfort towards my own body.
I don't think I'm that far from reality tho. If a girls dress so to cover a part of her body, maybe she is not that comfortable with it too.
Also, straight from the fruit salad, there are a few apples complaining because the web (like it is a person, really?) says that pears are more sensual due to their natural curves.
I apologize in advance - by now you probably know I'm not at ease with my own body, I haven't gone to the beach in two years because I don't want to undress myself that much - but a pear is more feminine.
I may not like my size but I'd never exchange my 29 cm gap between waist and thigh for slim legs and a thick belly.
I'd like to be a smaller pear but I thank mother nature for shaping me in this fruit. 

One last thing about the fashion advise on how to dress when you are a pear: I hate them.
I know some clothing will flatter my figure and make me look better but there are some things I do love to wear (on very good days at least).
So, if I were a f***ing size 40 would you allow me to put on skinny trousers? Because I love them but I cannot deal with people thinking I'm a sausage in a pair of jeans. 

4 - MY SCHIZOPHRENIC MOOD

The day before yesterday while getting home I found a few stalls on the street. It was earlier than usual - and I know, once at home, I'd eat something, I'll feel guilty, eventually agreeing (with myself) it is an early dinner and at 6:30pm I'll already have all I can afford to eat for the day - so I stopped at every single stall.

I'm not really in the mood for buying something but I really need time to pass.

Suddenly I see a wonderful pair of jeans: skinny, medium wash and low waist. Sadly they are size M. Last time I bought a pair of Terranova jeans it was a XL (32 I guess). I know they won't fit but I really like them and they are very cheep indeed.
In the end I decide to buy them, I have a friend that is way shorter but also a little smaller than I am, eventually I'll give them to her.
In the last few years my jeans size has been a 32, not a small one but not so big people would call me fat.

When I get home I pick the jeans from my purse and I cannot find the courage to try them on.
I go strait for the closet and I find the old Terranova jeans. They are XL, I remembered correctly.
For a moment I think to put the new pair in the garbage without even trying them on or to to hide them in a box in the closed, all but trying them on.

After three hours, bored as hell I made up my mind and I wore them. They fit. No, it's better, they fit perfectly. I plan to wear them the day after; I'm really excited.

I'm so happy I use the iPad to check the equivalent size: I need numbers to get things. Internet gives me many answer yet not the right one. It seems an M can be either a 28 or a 30, it depends on many factors.
I think I shall be ok with M instead of XL because I am at an impasse.

This is one of the good days.

And then, there are days like today.

I changed my clothing so many time I had no time to put them back in the closet, the jeans I wore the day before seemed just too small, I fell all swelled up, the image in the mirror sucked.

What happened?
Well, I've been good and I also resisted the apple pie a friend brought a few days ago. I'm sure of it, I have a diet diary I can go back and see all I ate for the last two months.
Whatever, this morning WTP told me I was 59 kg. 0.50 kg more than yesterday.

Panic washed over me.

I was in need of serious countermeasures. I took a strong laxative and I boiled a fennel (my lunch), I put the green the bag into the boiled water and I brought this concoction at work in a glass bottle.  

Then, just out of the blue, during the morning (I usually wake up at 6 and exit the house at 8) I had a splitting headache and terrible abdominal cramps.
I recollected myself, crap, I should have known it. I'm PMS. This is the reason the WTP balance screwed up my morning routine.

Eventually I decided to have breakfast, I was going to skip it and, instead of 2 teaspoon of oil, I decide to dress my boiled fennel with 2 teaspoon of home made pesto. I felt like celebrating.

Tragedy strikes back when I reach the closet.
I'm a monster. I'm a balloon, an hot-air balloon, a marquee, something huge they haven't invented yet.
I cry again.
I end up wearing a pair of loose black leggins and my favorite Hollister broad black long sleeves shirt paired with black cardigan and black flats. I wear a statement necklace so people at work won't figure it out I wore black because my mood was down. The good think about black is that it suites my dark mood but it is also a color I wear often so people are used to see me in "all black", smart casual and everything. 

The best thing is there are a few clothing that make me feel ok no matter what, they are just like comfort food without calories, just like my black Hollister shirt.

3 - MEET MY BFF THE SCALE

Let's talk about the scale. People treat it so vert poorly.

Those who have never suffered from an eating disorder,  criticize easily because they cannot understand. 

It may be a two edged sword but when you cannot tell if you are fat - or how fat you are - by yourself, scale is your best friend because mirrors lie, scales (usually) don’t. 

Scale to me is like the blanket to Linus or the magic mirror to the Evil Queen. If I don’t weight myself I don’t eat.  

I know it may seem absurd to you but please indulge me for a moment.

Self-perception for people like me is a seesaw – actually it’s more like a roller-coaster – my mood is 

inversely proportional to the number on my scale. 

I’d say my eyes suffer from alexithymia it there was such a thing, I simply mean they cannot tell my real proportions like people suffering from alexithymia cannot tell feelings. 

It’s quite the odd sensation.

Bottom line, when I step on my scale it tells me how’s my body. If I don’t step on it, well I eat as little as possible because I’m scared to put on unwanted weight without knowing. 

You may have noticed I speak of my body in third person, like it is something different from my actual self. It is correct and it is because when I look at it  - at me – in the mirror most of the time I hardly recognize it/me. 

It is its fault tho, not mine. it betrays me, It’s not the same from day to day. It is me I know, still I’m angry at my body.

Last month I had to spend a whole week with most of my new colleagues in a very nice hotel with a very fancy restaurant where we all ate together 3 times a day (breakfast, lunch and dinner).

I couldn’t really bring my scale on a business travel.

I avoided carbs and I had grilled meat or fish and vegetables at both lunches and dinner. I watched my colleagues ate like there was no tomorrow. I sticked to my plan, I didn’t want to rise any comment from their part. 

Was it enough? 

Of corse not.

As a compensative strategy, every single morning I woke up at 6am, I put on a pair of leggings and a t-shirt (I’ve been lucky, there was a Tezenis shop just down the hotel street so I bought them there the day I arrived) and I hit the gym for a 30 min hard work session before I got back to my room, had a shower and be ready to have breakfast at 7.15am. 

I had a boule of yogurt and muesli every morning and I ate it very slowly because people wouldn’t stop going to the buffet and refill their plate. I knew I couldn’t empty mine until they’d stopped picking up everything that was eatable on their path. 

Seriously, what’s with people and free food?

Don’t misunderstand me, this bulimia think is awesome!

When anorexic – and you eat the apple that you let yourself have for that day all alone in your room, crying like your dog just passed away, telling yourself it is only because you can barely walk and you can’t even read the book and you need to have the homework done – people think they have to came in your aid. Asses. I could barely stand healthy people telling me what to do.

When you are bulimic instead, it’s way more easy. 

You actually eat so people don’t bother you (not that often anyways) and you can do what you have to do (or not to do) by yourself in the aftermaths.  

However bad things go, you can always tell people you’re on a diet or – even better – that you are allergic to that stuff. They may tell you that you don’t need it, that food is one of the only good things in life but eventually it ends there. 

As I've already said, it’s awesome. 

What really hurt is realizing that people (I mean family and beloved ones here) didn’t took notice. Am I that good at faking it? I don’t think so.

Anyways, on the bright side, I’m eating healthy stuff and I’m also losing a few pounds in the process. Surely my metabolism have a couple thing to teach slots – gosh if it’s slow – but I think it may be another present from my former eating disorder. 

I already told you anorexia sucks, even on the long run. 

2 - I DO HAVE A PROBLEM

My problem is emotional regulation, I’ve known it for a time now, I also studied it at University.

So, when life gets harder again, I’m back dealing with food. 

This time it works just fine; it works so well even I don’t get it. 

Since induced vomiting is not an issue this time I didn’t figure it out  I was triggering a new eating disorder. 

In my defense, sometimes I still think more as an anorexic than a psychologist so it never really occurred to me that vomit not being  my coping strategy doesn’t mean I don’t have an eating disorder going on. 

Funny thing is I’m supposed to  know this much (Psy degree and all). 

Anyways, when my colleague made a joke on me being anorexic due to the fact that I usually only have coffee from the vending machine, I thought “Fatso, why don’t you go on a diet. I’m not anorexic but maybe you should try it”. I know. It’s mean. Ordinarily I’m not this mean but I was sick of her calling me anorexic and I’m bitchy when I’m hurt. 

I haven’t told her that much, I only thought that but I was stung by my own reaction and that is when I had the epiphany. 

How come I was this angry at her? Like bitterly angry. People always have to tell you what they think and I’m not this touchy.

And just like that I got it. 

I’m not anorexic, because - this time - I am bulimic. 

Crap, I didn’t see it coming.

I hurry into my Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (I have it at home too) to check the symptoms and it confirms my suspicions.

Suffice to say, bulimia is a very sneaky pathology, it hides itself quite well even from to the people around you. I may have missed it for a while but with hindsight, I had to take control of something after what happened. 

I look at the compensatory symptoms and I have almost all of them. Nice.

What I’m going to do?

I don’t really know because I think I feel quite comfortable with this particular disorder.

I overcame anorexia thanks to self-harm. Ok, I know it sound strange (almost sick) but when in need to regulate your pain you have to do “something” and when you need to regulate the guilt linked to the “something” you have to do “something else”. Creepy, ah? 

That’s my psyche at work folks: deal with it, I did.

Long story short, I made it and - aside from the increasing weight - it all worked out smoothly enough.

Since my first hospitalization, maybe even before that, painfully so, I took into account every ounce of food I’d eat or I resisted from eating and how that made me feel. 

Food is my obsession and it’s been so through the years, it’s my main mood watchdog, the only thing I can actually control. 

My bulimia kicked in a long time ago but nowadays it worsened and since I now reckon I have it, I can see the “games” my brain is playing me. And I wittingly let it. 

We reached a nice compromise my bulimia and I.  

What do I do then when I happen to eat too much or I’m left all alone with myself and I start eating random things until I vomit (never induced tho)?

Well, the day after I don’t eat at all and/or I take lots of laxatives and infusions (do you have any idea how much boiled vegetables stink? I have a boiled vegetables’ water and green the “potion” right now and I keep it stoppered). 

But maybe it's time to talk about the issue at hand. 

What happened in my life that I couldn't control and pushed me to my old (food issue) adaptive behavior?

Actually 2 things at the same time: my love life sucks - but that's life I'll just suck it up - and my father got cancer. 

See my point now?

Let's skip the love issues, it’s the usual crap and it hurts but I’m used to jerks, and let's go to the real problem. 

Daddy is all my life. He's the only one I can be silent with and be ok. Really, we spend hours in silence and it’s great. We really get each other without effort.

We don't need to over talk life, we just spend time together doing  - whatever - and life is good. 

He paints while I read a book or vice versa and the sun shine, the birds chirp, the unicorns fart rainbows…... The usual deal. 

He's grumpy and annoying but he's the reason why I'm still here and I overcame my eating disorder  issue back when I was 16 and they hospitalized me the second time. 

Have I told you both my grandfather and uncle died of cancer? My uncle died just two years ago, my cousins are 10 and 13 years younger than me. 

So, sue me, I cannot deal with cancer and I need to control something in this fucking life of mine.

1 - I THINK I HAVE BULIMIA

You’d think that, having a major degree in clinic psychology, you’d be able to recognize an eating disorder. 

It isn’t so. 

I realize there is something wrong with food when a colleague of mine - she knows me from barely two months - chitchatting by the vending machine with another colleague (I was by the vending machine too, I may not eat junk food on good days but I still need my daily dose of coffee) stated “Don’t bother ask her, she won’t grab anything, she is anorexic.”

It hurt. Badly.

It isn’t the first time she calls me anorexic but she is a few cm shorter than I am and objectively obese, she weighs twice my size (to say the least); coming from her, I’ve always dismissed it as a figure of speech. 

I’m struck dumb: I’m not anorexic.

How do I know it? I’ve been anorexic. 

I spent almost three years of my life in and out from clinics, luckily they didn’t have to force-feeding me but when I was 16 I became sick.

My ICD-9 Code was 313.3 and in addiction to all the medical tests, I had to take a 2 hours in-group-therapy session every Wednesdays for almost 3 years. 

Therefore, if I were anorexic I think I knew.

Provided that anorexia is a freaking gyp, and it is not because it kind of starts a loop in your brain, it is because if you are not willing to kick the bucket in 4 to 6 years they eventually make you eat again and the way your body will respond to food will be freaky. 

It will get back at you for all the time you starved it and it will cherish each and every calorie you’ll give him, even water will suite it.

It takes years - while I take into account everything that goes in (or out) - for things to get easier but food will always be an alien thing to me.

Anyway, I end the therapy sessions, attend University and inevitably put weight on but I take it into account: it’s either fat or dead. 

My body has always been a swindler. I had amenorrhea, a nightmare medical chart, a very hard time concentrating, eyesight problems but the bastard never fell below 57 kg (which means obese in the anorexic dictionary, so you know). 

When I started eating again I gained pounds. At one point, after 4 years, I reached an impossible weight (67 kg). The way I ate was disarrayed, erratic and messy. I usually had just one meal per day and it meant eating (alone and standing) from a plate stuffed with a few random things (sometimes not even cooked or defrosted). 

In the end I made up my mind and went to see a nutritionist. Knowing from a doctor when, how and what to eat helped. 

See? Supposedly you know how to eat but when something like this happens to you it screw up your brain. 

I reached 61 kg and it’s been so for the past years. 

A crappy number if you ask me.